I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
