matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
