PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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