Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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