i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
