Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
