Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just threw up on my dentist
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
