I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
