I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
