My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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