Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
