Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
