My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
