When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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