Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
