Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
