It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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