Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
