She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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