I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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