4 words: hood of his car
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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