Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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