At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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