you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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