im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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