I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have aggressive nipples.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
