The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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