Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
