i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
