tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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