Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
