I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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