how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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