Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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