Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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