Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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