She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
