You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
