I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
