i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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