You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
