Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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