the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
