i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
