she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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