why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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