Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
