god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
