I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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