My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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