my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
